Anyone who has ever suffered a breakup knows how tough it can be. There are those lingering feelings and maybe even some hope that you will get back together. Throw a child into the mix and those feelings become much more intense and complicated.
Most women dream of a traditional family where the man loves them, provides for the family and protects them. They don’t want to be alone, but yet, that’s how many find themselves. Now, they are left to raise their child or children and sometimes that comes without a lot of support or input from the father.
So, weaving around through these emotions can be tricky. You still must deal with this man because he is the father. Yet, you want to move on. How do you balance it?
Below are six ways to move on from your child’s father:
- Analyze your feelings.
Sometimes, women over analyze the relationship but never check their feelings. This makes you look and feel crazy and prevents you from moving forward. It doesn’t matter so much why he left. He isn’t there and you need to accept the fact that you are not together. Stop acting on your emotions, be it jealousy, anger or nostalgia, and decide how you are going to act. You will sometimes feel sad or lonely, but don’t let that determine your actions.
- Don’t have sex with him.
Crazy as it sounds to have to say this, this is a big reason why women can’t move on from their ex. They keep sleeping with him. It’s understandable. There are residue emotions and a sense of home he’ll come back. There’s familiarity. Your ex is certainly more accessible than datable men. Those take some work to get and it is easier to just go back to the same old ways.
However, this isn’t good for either of you. Regardless of why you broke up, you broke up. Those issues can’t be resolved with a roll in the sack. All sex with your ex does is keep you tied emotionally, mentally, and physically to him. To most men, sex is an act, not a commitment or an emotional tie, so he likely won’t see having sex with you other than anything but a need fulfilled. It will hurt you to find out he is dating after spending the night with you.
- Set boundaries.
Your relationship has changed, so your boundaries must change too. This may seem unnatural. After all, this man has seen you naked in the shower and even using the toilet. Even so, new rules are in order.
That means he can’t just pop over whenever he is in the neighborhood. Ask for the key back. He is now a guest, not a resident of your home. Don’t allow him to spend the night, even if its in a guest room. That will just confuse you and the kids, who will likely read it as a signal you are getting back together.
Don’t feel the need to share everything with him either. Sure, you will need to discuss the kids and possibly some finances as they relate to the children’s welfare. Keep it simple. He no longer should have access to all your details. Focus conversations on parenting and how to provide for the children, not your relationship with each other.
This may seem impossible. You may think you aren’t ready. The kids aren’t ready. How will you handle it? How do you get back out there? Will anyone want you?
All of these concerns are normal. You start by just doing it. There are some cautions though. When I say date, I mean go out and have a good time. Go for coffee, dinner, the movies, the park. Do not go to bed with these new men. That would only lead to more pain and confusion. Revenge sex never makes you feel better and never really works out into a new relationship.
Also, keep these new men away from your home and your children. There are personal safety issues at play, and as a mom, you need to be wise. Some men seek out vulnerable women with children to gain access to the kids or money. Take your time getting to know the man you are dating. Don’t rush it.
- Be unavailable.
Your children’s dad doesn’t want to be with you. Otherwise, he would be with you. So, the feeling should be mutual. Don’t ever settle for someone who doesn’t want you. Don’t allow yourself to be an option for him. If you do, he could come back only because “plan A” didn’t work out. You aren’t a consolation prize.
Also, don’t seek him out. Don’t call him. Don’t use your child as an excuse to see or talk to him. Don’t ask him for help with the car or to fix something in the house. Realize this is his loss, not yours.
- Make yourself happy.
This doesn’t mean to go out and splurge on expensive items. You still need to be prudent. However, you can do something that will have both a short-term or even long-term impact on your happiness.
Try reading more or taking a free library class. Maybe you should go back to school or seek out a better job. You can save up for a vacation to a place you’ve never been to. Some find happiness in volunteering or picking up a new hobby. Decide what you can do to bring joy to your life.
Once you sit down and plot out some goals, the emotions of a breakup with your child’s father wain. You will realize you have so much more to offer than what was going on in the relationship. Pursuing the future will open up possibilities for a new, better relationship someday.